Life Decisions

Family. Such a strong word; and one that brings a different image to everyone.

Just some of my story:

When I was just barely 30 my first husband and I separated . . . and eventually divorced. We remained good friends and shared responsibility for our three young children. We both loved them with all our hearts and knew the other parent did also.

The two older ones remained with their Father in order for them not to have to change schools or take them away from their friends. Plus, we were living in a most extraordinary location - a 21,000 acre ranch. An immense playground of possibilities for growth. They were old enough, 8 and 10, to care for themselves while their Father was at work. We lived just a few steps from his work at the ranch. They would spend weekends with me; or, in the beginning, I would spend weekends at their house.

The youngest, still in diapers, and I moved into a small house in Santa Fe, NM - 60 miles from the ranch.

Together, as loving parents, we had decided that this arrangement was the best for the children. It was not what either of us truly wanted; but we both knew we would be able to care for them, spend time with all three and both of us still work. It was a mutual decision; but one that the court did not approve of. When our final divorce was signed, the Judge added the words that at any time that the Court, or I, felt that it was not working that I could have full custody of the children. That option was never utilized.

It was another time; a time when the Mother was primarily responsible for the upbringing of the children. The Father was the breadwinner. But their Father was a good man, a good father, and I knew that he too loved his children with all his heart. They would be raised differently, but they would be loved.

At 30 it was going to be a struggle for me. I had never worked at a job a day in my life, I had only a little education beyond high school and virtually no formal job skills. I had spent eleven years caring for children and a family; eleven years supporting my husband in his many art endeavors; eleven years baking, washing & ironing, helping children with homework, cleaning a home, shopping - all the things a "homemaker" did.

There was no money. My parents loaned me a little to start my new life. I soon got a contract job which later turned into full-time work. I worked hard and built some basic working skills. My youngest son went to day care. I spent as much time with my older children as I could. It was a hard time for all of us.

Today, many years later, I realize that, although my husband and I made the decisions in partnership, and both of us with the sincere desire to do the best for our family it was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I will never be able to bring back the loss. To one of my children I will always be Mom, but never a parent. I lost that respect when I left. I will never have the opportunity of having a close older-parent/adult-child friendship with her. I will always be unknowingly resented for "leaving." I will always be an outsider.

Our decisions have affected our lives beyond anything we could have imagined.

I love my children, now grown, with all my heart . . . but that will never be enough. I will never be able to bring back the past so I must accept it and move on.